


Getting To Know Sam Winchester

by Arcturis



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Brothers, Canon Compliant, Castiel and Dean Winchester Being Idiots, Dean Winchester Being Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Being an Idiot, Dean Winchester Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Online Dating, Post-Hell Dean Winchester, Post-Hell Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester Being Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Sam Winchester Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sam Winchester is Not Amused, Sam Winchester is So Done, Sam Winchester on Demon Blood, This Is STUPID, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-10-18 15:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17583896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcturis/pseuds/Arcturis
Summary: Basically, Dean and Cas are trying to get Sam laid. Typical what-the-fuckery ensues. There will be two versions to each chapter. The first being light, full of quips and typical brother nonsense. The second being more serious and Sam's true thoughts as each question comes to light. Tags will be added as needed.Special love and thanks to 48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue for beta-reading and reassuring me this isn't incomprehensible nonsense.





	1. 20 Random Facts About Yourself 1.0

Dean, this is stupid. I’m not doing this!

**Like hell, you’re not. You’ve been up my ass for _weeks._ Weeks, Sam! I can’t take it anymore, we’re getting you laid.**

I haven’t even tried getting laid. That’s the last of our priorities right now.  
****

**Ever think that’s exactly your problem?**

Oh, right. I forgot sex is supposed to be more important than saving the damn world. Again. Which number is this?  
****

**See what I mean, Cas? The dude’s on edge and he’s taking it out on the rest of us.**

_You have been very anxious and angry as of late, Sam. I know very little of human mating rituals, but perhaps this would help relax you._  
****

**Dude, you’ve gotten laid. Like … with two different chicks.**

_Yes, Dean. I once copulated with a reaper. And also … perhaps … with Meg. But she was not human either._  
****

**Alright, fair point. What was it like going at it with a Reaper?**

_Well -_  
****

Can we just … not? This conversation’s too weird.  
****

**Yeah, well Cas isn’t the only one to get laid by a demon, is he?**

Says the guy who screwed an angel in the backseat of the Impala.  
****

**Didn’t you go at it with a werewolf, Sammy?**

_This is all beside the point. I agree with Dean, Sam -_  
****

Of course you do

_I think you should try this._

**Two out of three, you’re beat, Sam. What’s the first question?**

[Eye roll to the friggin’ heavens] Twenty random facts about yourself.  
****

**Perfect!**

You’re joking, right? What on earth could I ever put on a dating site that wouldn’t make me sound completely crazy? That I hunt monsters? That I’ve died and been resurrected on multiple occasions? That my life’s work is stopping multiple apocalyptic events?  
****

**That’s three right there!**

Oh come on, Dean! I can’t put that crap in there!  
****

_Sam, did you not used to study law?_

**Yeah, you were a pre-law student!**

Was. Several years ago. And I didn’t make it past the “pre” part, thanks very much for that Dean.  
****

**I’m not going to apologize for getting your head out of your own ass.**

[Pantomimes typing] “I babysit my stupid older brother full-time”  
****

**Did we forget how many times who has saved who here? Because last I checked, I pulled your ass out of the fire _way_ more often than you’ve returned the favor.**

Ha ha. We’re counting getting you out of questionable nighttime activities.  
****

**[Mimicking Sam] “I’m a prude that doesn’t let my saint of a brother have any down-time. It’s all research, research, research!”**

Dean - !

**Sam, I swear to god. You’d better start using your brain for some facts before I forcibly move your ass and write this out myself.**

Out of the question.  
****

**That’s not a warning, dude. That’s a promise.**

_Dean, did you not inform me that humans typically like decoration on their partners? Scars, tattoos, piercings?_  
****

Are you … are you talking about my anti-possession - ?

**Nice one, Cas! Tats and battle wounds! They’ll be falling at your feet, man! [Singing in painful falsetto] “I believe in miracles … you sexy thing!”**

_Sam has been the recipient of many miracles._  
****

Cas, I don’t think that -

**Christian. We can go with Christian. Women love a good man of the faith.**

_But is fornication not a sin?_  
****

**[Slaps Cas on the back]** **Nobody’s perfect. Not even you after banging a demon.**

_Admittedly I have done many shameful things, but -_  
****

Cas, why are you even encouraging this?

_Self-care is important, Sam._

**Sam has a taste for blondes. Oh, and say you’re a vegetarian.**

What? I’m not a vegetarian!  
****

**Vegetarian sounds better than “health-freak”.**

Right. Well this ‘health-freak’ is going to outlive your nitrate-ridden ass.  
****

**I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: if bacon’s how I go, I’ve won.**

No, the bacon will have won. [Types into the site with deep resignation]  
****

**[Peers awkwardly over his shoulder] What’s a ‘polyglot’?**

It means I speak several languages. How do you put ‘smartest one in the family’ without sounding too cocky?  
****

**You’re really getting into this, I’m so proud! We might make a man of you yet.**

You’re an idiot.  
****

**You’re best friends with an Angel of the Lord. What else, Cas?**

_Sam is a legacy member of a secret society devoted to collecting knowledge of the supernatural._  
****

**We’ll … find a way to rephrase that, but sure. Sam, you’re a legacy. Doesn’t matter which one, it always sounds impressive. Wait! Have you gotten laid since that case with the Vesta chick? You’re a friggin’ virgin!**

One, that’s not impressive. Two, that was ages ago, dude. I’m not a monk. [Types more bullshit]  
****

**[Reads aloud] “I have a book series dedicated to my exploits.”**

_Ah yes, the Winchester Gospels._  
****

**You’re psychic!**

What? No I’m not -  
****

**It sounds more impressive than “I used to be psychic but now I’m not”. If someone asks you to read their future, tell them they’re destined for a night filled with the best sex of their life. 100% guaranteed to get them in bed with you.**

Gross, dude.  
****

**You’re an animal lover. Show them pictures of that mutt you let stink up my car. Which, by the way, if it _ever_ happens again, I will end you myself and rack up your death count.**

Yeah, yeah, I get the picture.  
****

**[Snickering] Your darkest nightmares are filled with clowns.**  
****

Bite me.  
****

_I believe that’s twenty facts._

What? No! Cas, we’re not using those!

**[Waves dismissively] We’ll go over it with a fine-tooth comb later. What’s the next question?**


	2. 20 Random Facts About Yourself 2.0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In regards to #13, personal headcanon dictates that Sam and Dean have a form of synaesthesia called TSN: Time, Space, Numbers. It's one I share. Basically you have a mental whiteboard that organizes all your thoughts, ideas, etc. You close your eyes and it's right there in front of you.

1\. Sam Winchester hunts monsters. He has all his life, before he can even remember. Beginning with Azazel, Prince of Hell, Sam has been exposed to more of the supernatural than perhaps any other hunter in living memory. He has faced off against spirits, vampires, ghouls, wendigo, werewolves. He’s even faced off against more exotic prey in his lifetime; angels, djinn, gods, even creatures so reclusive he’s never been able to attach a name to it. So long as he can find a way to kill it before it hurts another soul, he considers it a job well done. At times, he’s resented this life, the life of a hunter. But if he was being honest with himself, he doesn’t know any other way. Sam Winchester has never known normalcy, not even at college, though he’d never admit that to Dean. If monsters ceased to exist, so would Sam.

2\. Death has come for Sam many, many times. Far more than he is capable of realizing. He understands that there are periods in Heaven he does not remember. After all, old friends dead and gone have told him as much with quips and rolls of eyes, joking “See you next time, you damn fools!” It’s funny for the first second until he starts thinking too much about it and then it’s terrifying. How old is he, truly? So much time has passed before, after and in-between resurrections. There was the one hundred and sixty years he spent in Lucifer’s Cage. All the missing memories and deaths that get wiped every time his heart starts to beat again. Then Sam looks at Dean and feels that spike of fear dig deeper in his gut. What if the next time is the last?

3\. If Sam’s life started with hunting monsters, it has evolved to breaking biblical records. The Apocalypse is the nightmarish foretelling of Revelations. The End of Days. Seals will be broken, the Horsemen will ravage the land and, at the end, the world will fail, with either Heaven’s Paradise or Hell’s Inferno. Or, that was how the Bible foretells it. How events would have unravelled if Sam hadn’t locked the Devil back in his Cage. But even after that, the End of Days keep coming. It doesn’t matter how many they stop, their little band of brothers. Team Free Will. One ends, another begins and it’s wearing Sam down. What’s the point if there’s always another over the horizon? No one else has stepped up to the plate. Perhaps when they’re gone, the world will die with them. Perhaps they’re only delaying the inevitable.

4\. Sam loved his pre-law classes. And he’d been _good_ at them. Even as nervous as he’d been for the interview that never happened, there had been no doubt in his mind that he’d have won that full ride into law school. He’d always been at the top of his classes. He’d debated with a fervor and a passion that left the opposition defenseless. Sam had always been able to see the best in everyone, even monsters. It had been no difficulty to do the same for his practice clientele and in role-playing activities for his classes. He may not have always gotten those people off, but he’d always been able to lower the sentence. Funnily enough, skirting around the law for most of his life had given him a unique perception and ability to find loopholes and that had added to his innate talent as well. After falling back in with Dean, that knowledge had, ironically, made him an even better hunter. Had made their job easier and saved their asses more times than he could count.

5\. It’s no secret that Dean feels it is his heaven-sent duty to protect his little brother. Sam has never questioned it, either. But what Dean can’t seem to comprehend is that Sam feels an identical responsibility to his older brother. The man has literally raised him, has taught him more about hunting than their absentee father ever had. Dean had taught him to read, helped him through school classes, coached him on courting women. His older brother has led him through every step to becoming a man. In return, Sam has been the comfort Dean never had in a parent. As a kid, he’d climb into Dean’s bed and curl up against his back, both children pretending they couldn’t hear Dean’s sniffs or feel the way his silent sobs shook the motel bed. When Dean’s resolute wall cracks, Sam is there to patch him back up, to pull him out of the black musings that threaten his life just as much as the monsters they hunt. Sam is there to keep Dean from making rash decisions, for beer and good food and prank wars. Sam reminds his big brother that there’s still light left in the world, peeking in from the shadows that threaten to overwhelm them both. Dean is Sam’s savior, but Sam is Dean’s salvation.

6\. Research is important to Sam. In fact, he considers it the most important part of a hunt. If he can figure out what they’re hunting and how to kill it, its nesting and migratory behaviors, they don’t usually need to involve the locals. He jokes to his brother that this keeps Dean out of trouble in the bars - both with the security and the potential bedmates. If he’s being honest though, it’s because he doesn’t want to see people’s faces. Sam’s good with faces, even if he lacks a bit at putting names to them. Anyone can be the next victim; a neighbor, an investigating officer, a completely unrelated citizen they happen to bump into on the street. And if that face is staring with empty eyes as the corpse burns in the ground, eyes that previously sparkled with vitality, it’s someone he couldn’t save, and that’s on him.

7\. Sam’s a decorated soldier. Not with medals or awarded honors, but with the tattoos and scars that mar his skin. One thing he grows used to upon every resurrection is a fresh slate. Just smooth, perfect skin. There are some marks he’s noticed stay with him and Dean. For Dean, it’s the burn Castiel’s hand left when pulling him out of Hell. For Sam it’s the bright-white scar carved into in palm. These wounds have marked their souls and reflect upon their bodies. The Enochian engravings stay etched into their ribs as well. The tattoo is a pain in the ass to get re-inked every now and again, but it’s necessary. They’ve both been possessed too many times, caused too much harm locked in the backseat while something else rides their meat suits. Despite feeling like a human Etch-A-Sketch, it never takes too long for the scars to begin gathering back on his body. Bullet holes, claw marks, vamp bites, torture wounds, broken limbs. Sam’s body is a roadmap detailing the chaos of his life.

8\. Sam has been the recipient of countless miracles. Even disregarding his numerous resurrections, Sam Winchester, despite his demon blood infection, seems to be one of Heaven’s favorites. Or at least, a favorite of a few beings gifted with Heaven’s power. He doesn’t think that Heaven particularly cares if he lives or dies. They’re always gunning for his older brother. Sam is merely the perfect vessel for their number one enemy. Despite that, he seems to have gained more than one ally; Castiel, Gabriel and God to name a few. Cas has healed him several times over, often saving him from another death. God personally saved his ass more than once, and kicked out the inevitable withdrawal that would have likely killed him when Lucifer escaped the Cage the first time. Sam often wishes that these miracles would spread to others. Who is he to deserve the gift of life, over and over again? Or perhaps it’s a curse and this life, in all its pain and suffering, is the price he must pay for his sins. He’s never really sure these days.

9\. Christianity has always been a part of Sam’s life. Not the golden rule or the condemnations, perhaps, but Sam has always been certain that God is out there. He’s prayed every night, silently, asking for protection for his loved ones, for guidance in his life. He’s never been a demanding Christian, ordering signs to back his faith. Sam’s never needed signs to confirm his belief in God and His angels. Heaven knows he’s dealt with enough demons to know there’s a Hell. It only made sense that Heaven would also exist. Jess had been a Catholic and Sam would go to Mass with her. At first it was just to drink her presence in as long as he could. Any excuse to spend more time with her. But as time went on, it became routine, comforting. He’d converse quietly with the priest, with whom he’d talk about his hunting life during confession. It helped that there was one person he didn’t have to fabricate his past to. Sam never attended Mass after Jess’ death, but his belief in God and Heaven and angels never wavered, even when he was furious and angry and hurting. Then had come Castiel, an Angel of the Lord and then God, or Chuck as he apparently preferred; the “prophet” they’d met so long ago. Even though Chuck had left for an unknown hiatus, Sam still prayed. It was just a part of him.

10\. If he ever really considered it, Sam has a thing for gingers, despite Dean’s fervent belief he prefers blondes. He doesn’t really think about it much. His life is a constant train wreck and relationships are, honestly, a pain in the ass asking for a world of hurt. He thought he’d given up on them after Dean came back from Purgatory, but then he’d met Eileen and screwed himself over again. Not that he regrets his relationship with her. The nature of their work keeps them apart for weeks, months at a time, but Sam still loves her deeply. In a way, he prefers this type of long-distance relationship and so does Eileen. No strings attached. They do their work and they do it well and they spend time together when their paths cross. She’s not the only ginger either. He remembers his passing relationship with the kitsune, with various waitresses or women he’s met during cases. Hell, even Jess had glimmers of strawberry in her blonde hair when the sun had hit the strands just right.

11\. Sam’s always been a bit of a health-freak, even if he prefers the simpler term “healthy”. He’s always preferred poultry and fish over red meats. He’s always drank equal amounts of water with his alcohol and caffeine consumption. Staying fit was never an issue; you can’t be a decent hunter and not be in shape. It just comes with the territory. After his stint with addiction, his habits ramped up to 100. It’s not that he doesn’t like a good burger, he just prefers something lighter. He’s always been a morning person, but he starts his schedule earlier these days, typically setting his alarm for around half past six in the morning. He’s taken up running, using that exquisite runner’s high to combat the hunger from addiction that never quite leaves. Dean knows all of this, of course, teasing his little brother so Sam doesn’t get uncomfortable. Dean knows about control, knows that physical need to control everything you can so the dark habits they’ve developed don’t take over again. Dean has his own habits, even if they differ vastly from Sam’s healthier ones and Sam knows this too.

12\. Most languages are a joy to learn and Sam’s always picked up on them easily. English as a native language. He picked up Spanish and French in high school and continued to college. He now speaks them fluently, or at least he can hold a conversation easily enough. He’d also picked up American Sign Language in high school and college, but had lost the talent for it until he’d met Eileen. She’d been impressed with his ability to pick it back up so swiftly and now he signs with her more than they use their voices. The most difficult language for Sam to develop was Enochian. Not because of the difficulty, although there was no comparable language on Earth. It wasn’t a lack of practice. It was the agony, the suffering, the icy cruelness that laces his memories when he hears the language. He knows Enochian better than any other language, even his native tongue. Most of what he thinks is in Enochian and he often slips back into the angelic language after nightmares. It’s difficult for him to switch back to English after those terror-stricken nights. There’s a fear of Earthly languages that accompanies his soul, fear of penalty and punishment such as he received for centuries in the Cage.

13\. One of the reasons Sam looks up to his big brother so much is how brilliant he is. Dean doesn’t feel smart and nothing Sam can say will negate that. But he truly is incredibly clever. His strategizing ability makes him a leader among hunters. His ability to look at all the different threads of a situation and choose the best outcomes is a talent Sam struggles to live up to, but on the other side, Sam’s own intelligence compliments his brother’s to a tee. Sam is book-smart. He knows more about the supernatural than perhaps any other living hunter, even if you don’t catch him bragging about it. He has an innate ability to instantly match characteristics to any number of monster species they’ve gone up against and then, again, to the number of ways you can kill, hurt, trap or maim it. He tried to explain it to Dean once, that his brain was like a chalkboard, showing him everything as they needed it and Dean kind of understood, said that his hunting ability often portrayed that way as well. Though both brother’s envy the other’s strengths and lament what they view as shortcomings, their complimentary skills are what make them such a formidable team, what makes them come out on top every time, no matter the consequences. It’s the root of their renown, why every hunter and monster knows their names.

14\. Castiel, Angel of the Lord, hasn’t always looked upon Sam Winchester so kindly. He was an abomination, the antagonist to Heaven’s goals and he had treated the boy as such. Sam knows he regrets this deeply and has run himself aground more than once to try to make up for it. He appreciates the effort, of course, but it’s unnecessary. It’s a privilege, according to Sam, to stand in such high regard of an actual angel. To have befriended a celestial being is more that Sam feels he deserves, considering his past and his taint, but he takes the friendship for all it’s worth. Cas has proven himself over and over again. He’s more than a friend. The seraph is family, as much of a brother as Dean is.

15\. The past allows for Sam to take a great amount of pride in his status as a Legacy member of the Men of Letters organization. It has fascinated him endlessly. The amount of knowledge they have on the Supernatural is game-changing and he’s developed an obsession to organize and categorize the countless books, notes and manuscripts in their Bunker and whatever Chapter Houses they manage to stumble upon. In the rare times that nothing demands their attention, Sam will look up these Chapter Houses and take a trip with Dean, robbing the place blind and rehoming the new information to their own Bunker. The fact that they have not only learned more about their grandfather and personal history, but actually _met_ the man is just the cherry on top. Even after the disastrous events with the British Men of Letters, Sam hopes that the Americans were different. Having been allowed to see some of the past, he thinks that, for the most part, they were and he finds comfort in that.

16\. It’s not that Sam doesn’t like sex because, trust him, he does. And it’s not to say that sex isn’t a great outlet for anger or fear or stress or whatever the hell is bothering him at the moment, because he’ll also admit to that quite easily. It’s just that, well, Dean’s kind of over the top and that’s set the bar for him so high that Dean thinks Sam’s taken nun vows or something. So when Dean tries to get him laid or acts as a wingman, there’s one of two ways Sam can approach the situation. 1. He plays along. He flirts with whatever bartender or waitress Dean has picked out for his baby brother. Maybe they have a nice night, maybe it doesn’t go that route. Either way, Sam’s pretty nonchalant about it. Or there’s option 2. He rolls his eyes and throws his hands in the air, doing whatever he can to frustrate Dean’s plans for Sammy’s evening. He usually chooses that route, not because he doesn’t want to get laid, but because Dean’s righteous outrage and exasperation is just too funny to pass up.

17\. The Winchester Gospels had really thrown Sam for a loop. Their whole lives, laid out before them on sheets of paper. And not just a few books either, there’s a whole goddamn series that includes things they had never known. It’s embarrassing and agonizing and enlightening all at once, but … Sam has read them. More than once, actually. He keeps it hidden from Dean, of course, because Dean’s the reason he studies them in the first place. Hidden thoughts Sam never knew about, activities and plot lines Dean had gone solo with. He’s even learned a few things about Dean’s time in Hell. He’d drunk himself to the void that night, burdened with guilt and pain. Maybe he’s had an existential crisis or two, reading the series and learning more about himself than the thought possible. I mean, talk about a fourth-wall break, right? But Sam has learned a lot from them. Not just about he and Dean, but about other people in their lives. Castiel, Bobby, others both here and gone. He’s cut a few people loose over the knowledge he’s gained and has learned to hold tighter to those he calls family.

18\. In his blackest moments, when he sits alone in the dark, helpless and full of despair, Sam wants his psychic abilities back. He thinks a part of them has stuck around, if he’s fully honest. His reflexes are swifter than they used to be. His gut feelings more precise and accurate. Sometimes parts of his dreams - real dreams, not Hell flashbacks - even come true. It’s nothing compared to the precognition he used to exercise, but there’s just something _there_ that’s more than practice could ever gain him. But sometimes, despite knowing the cost of developing his abilities, Sam wants his powers back. He wants to feel in control again, to help save people like he used to do. Recently, he felt it the most strongly with Michael when the archangel had abducted Dean. He’d come _so close_ in the fear and despair, all those weeks of Dean’s absence. He could save him, he knew he could if it really came down to it. But he’d never be able to live with the grief and betrayal in Dean’s eyes that would come with his rescue.

19\. Sam misses having a dog. He’s had a few in his life, although never for very long. It’s always been on his own, and not just because Dean would kill him if Sam brought any pets home. Even at his most sincere, when he _knew_ without a doubt that being a hunter was gone from his life, being apart from his family hurt; when he ran away as a teenager, when he left for college, when Dean had been lost to Purgatory. There was always an element of pain and grief. Having a companion, a canine companion, had always helped take the edge off. When he’d woken from nightmares, alone in the dark and shaking in a cold sweat, a warm tongue and soft body, worried whines had always been there to help bring him down. If Winchesters ever acknowledge their psychiatric issues (which are numerous, if they’re being honest, but who has time to attend to the mental consequences of their lives?), Sam would have called them emotional support animals. He wouldn’t mind another dog. He’s sure Dean would allow it grudgingly if Sam talked to him about it, but what’s the point of pets if you may never come back home?

20\. If you ask Sam what his phobia is, he’ll jokingly say “Dean before coffee.” If pressed, he’ll laugh and shrug, saying the life of a hunter doesn’t allow for phobias. But then Dean will snicker, lean in conspiratorially, and whisper “Clowns.” Sam will pale slightly in mortified fury, viciously kicking Dean in the shins. The elder Winchester will swear colorfully and Sam will deflect, changing the subject before the you can truly decide if Dean’s joking or not. That usually does the trick, but the thing is: Dean’s not wrong. Sam would rather take down a whole vamp nest solo than face off with a singular clown. He’s not proud of this fact and it’s, surprisingly, stalled quite a few cases. It frustrates him more than he’ll ever admit and Dean teases him mercilessly about it.


	3. Describe Three Fears

Describe three legitimate fears you have and how you got them. What kind of question is that to put on a dating site?

**Yeah, I’ll give you that one, Sam. Do they want all their clientele to sound like sissies?**

_Baring one’s soul is a devout way to bond with other members of your species._   
****

**Cas, trust me on this one. One-night stands are not about making heartfelt connections.**

_Then what is the point of sexual interaction?_   
****

Oh my god.

**Well, in this instance, it’s to let Sam get out all his angers and frustrations in a healthy, fun and, hopefully, creative situation so that he stops taking them out on us.**

I can’t believe we’re giving The Talk to an Angel of the Lord.  
 ****

**Alright, people. Focus. This is for Sam! So let’s think: three fears. The first one is obvious, of course.**

Dean, don’t.  
 ****

**Clowns!**

That’s not going on the website, dude.

_But Sam, you are being asked for three legitimate fears. I have seen your coulrophobia firsthand._

Cas, that’s not the point.

**It also asks for why you have that fear, so ‘fess up, Sammy.**

I’ve explained this to you before, Dean. Every time you went trolling for chicks when I was a kid, you’d drop me at that stupid pizza daycare for kids or whatever.  
 ****

**Oh yeah, Pennywhistle’s! Still, I can see why that would make you resentful. I still don’t get why you’re petrified of them. Look, even the idea is making you shifty!**

… I mean I was a kid. Who knew monsters were real. Dad was on a hunt, you wouldn’t be around and here are these messed up clowns that could be anything underneath. Kids’ imaginations run wild, especially when they know what goes bump in the night.  
 ****

**Oh. I’m sorry, man. I guess that never really crossed my mind.**

That’s because you were thinking with your downstairs brain.  
 ****

_Humans have only one brain._

**No, it means -**

Djinn!  
 ****

**What?**

Djinn, I’m afraid of djinn.  
 ****

**Well I can’t blame you there. Creepy-ass sons of bitches. I guess that could work, I mean you’d have to explain what they are and what they do, but chicks dig that nerdy crap, y’know? But how are you going to explain why?**

I’ll just say I don’t like the idea of my mind not being my own while the life is slowly drained away.  
 ****

_Is that a metaphor?_

What? No, dude, that’s literally what they do.

_It sounds like a metaphor for mental illness._

Cas, I’m not afraid of the mentally ill.

_What of depression? Anxiety? Have you been taking less of an interest in your hobbies as of late, Sam?_

**What are you, a shrink?**

_I’m merely attempting to -_   
****

Thanks, I guess? I’m not depressed, Cas. Or anxious. Sure, my life’s screwed up, but I’m generally pretty happy with it.

**Why are you even entertaining his sudden psychology kick?**

It’s better than answering stupid questions on a dating site.  
 ****

**Sure, but this isn’t the fun part. The fun part comes _after_ the work.**

Why do any work? Why can’t I just go to a bar?  
 ****

**Because you won’t. God knows I’ve tried, Sammy, but you won’t hit on anyone and every time I try to start something for you, I get bruises for my efforts! Now c’mon, let’s get this done so we can all relax!**

For God’s sake, Dean. Fine. It’s not like our jobs leave much room for fear, so I’m just putting … I dunno. Spiders? That’s a common one.  
 ****

**That’s not manly enough.**

[Snickers as only a mouthy younger sibling can] Flying.  
 ****

**Now _that_ is a legitimate fear!**

Oh come on. With our job, we have more of a chance getting iced by a demon or a vamp or what have you.  
 ****

**Nice deflection, Sammy but it won’t work. Finish that up and move on to the next.**


	4. Describe Three Fears 2.0

1\. Every hunter worth his salt knows that you don’t fuck with the Winchester brothers. New faces show up occasionally at hunter-friendly bars and scoff at this heresay, but the serious looks on the veterans’ faces make them pause in their mockery. _Those boys are psychotic,_ they’re told. _They’ve got a crazy kind of codependency and God help you if you hurt one of them because the other will hunt you to his dying day._ That’s no mild threat, either. Sam and Dean Winchester are widely regarded as the best hunters around, by a long shot. Taking a vamp nest solo or going after a Wendigo gives you a better chance at living than if one of the Winchesters is calling for your hide.

Sam knows what they say about him and his brother. He does nothing to dispel those rumors either, because that fear of loss is always there and it’s more haunting than anything else in his life. Sure, they’ve been resurrected past their ability to count, but that’s never a guarantee. Bobby’d been resurrected once or twice as well, but his last death had proven permanent. That loss killed something deep in them, something that had been carved out and they would never get back and it had taken them a long time to accommodate that emptiness inside. Sam knows that each loss of his brother could be the last. That’s why he gets so messed up every time Dean dies. There’s no expectancy, no “getting used” to seeing his brother die, knowing he might never see him again. Losing his brother is Sam’s greatest fear because if he loses Dean, Sam knows there’s no line he wouldn’t cross, no deal he wouldn’t make to bring his brother back to life.

The more people who are warned against them, the less likely some half-assed hunter gets off a lucky shot at Dean. They’ve been through it before, with Gordon, with Walt and Roy. Those won’t be the last, either. So the more people who fear hurting one of them, the better off they are. The safer Dean stays. Those rumors and warnings have even leaked into the supernatural community. Shifter children told to stay in line or the Winchesters will get them. Vamps exploding on a new member’s messy hunt. _Do you want to the Winchesters on our tail? They’ll slaughter us all!_ So he lets these rumors grow and gather more outrageous speculation. He doesn’t correct the whispers or the side-eyed glances they get when they introduce themselves. Let them say what they will, because if anyone dares to hurt his brother, he will rain hellfire upon that poor, unfortunate soul.

 

2\. Lucifer comes as a close second, of course. He’s always there, omnipresent and sinister, even if it’s only his mind’s manifestation of the archangel. He’d always daydreamed of getting out of the Cage, of leaving Lucifer far behind him. So far that neither memory nor physicality would ever harm him again, but he’d been so wrong. He’d known about Dean’s reality issues once his memories from the Pit came back. They’d never talk about it. But sometimes he’d stare off into space with a tight, terrified look plastered onto his face. It would take Sam a few times of calling out his name and, sometimes, physically shaking him out of it, to get Dean back to reality. And, because they never talked about it, Sam was unprepared for the very real psychological effects such trauma would have on his mind.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. He’s read up on the illness and it fits. Of course, he refuses to attribute the diagnosis, as his whole family refused. There’s no point in getting a formal diagnosis. They’d only shove pills down his throat and that would interfere with his work. He would deal with it, _is_ dealing with it and that’s all there is to be done about it.

Of course, then there were the times Lucifer had gotten out of the Cage. The nightmares that leave his throat raw from screaming. The delusions and dissociation and somewhere, in the back of his mind, he hears Lucifer crooning to him, gratification dripping from a voice bursting with pride about how he’d broken Sam Winchester’s mind. That he wasn’t done, either. After all, there are so many ways for a man to break; the mind is only one way of many and he’ll break the rest of Sam in due time. It terrifies Sam, this possibility, because he knows it could truly come to pass. Lucifer has escaped more than once and he’d be a fool to think himself beyond the Devil’s grasp. Even in the Cage, when the Darkness had cracked fissures into the spell work, the archangel had woven himself into Sam’s mind, sending waking memories of unspeakable tortures. Convincing Sam, in his devout faith, that he was God. Even with Sam out of the Cage, he’d been able to abuse and manipulate his favorite chew toy and Sam knows he’ll never be free of the Devil.

 

3\. The fear of losing Dean and his fear of Lucifer are the only outward trepidations that Sam experiences. Vamps? No problem, he’s taken out whole nests on his own. Ghouls? Nasty mothers, but fine. Whatever. Wendigo? Entirely unpleasant and probably a bad idea to gank solo, but doable. The rest of his fears are entirely internal. Deep down, what Sam truly fears, is that he’ll never do enough good to outweigh the sins that stain his soul. It would take an autobiography to list them all; leaving Dad and Dean for college, all those times he’d run away and left Dean to deal with Dad’s anger. Ruby. His psychic abilities, what he did to increase them. All the innocent people he’s hurt. His battle with that unholy addiction. Every time he’d let Dean down or taken him down a dark road. Letting out the Darkness. Refusing to close the Gates of Hell. He could go on and on and sometimes he does, in the dark shadows of the night when his guilt and depression gnaw too harshly on his insides.

He’s paid for his sins in blood, both by his own doing and by wounds taken during his battles with the supernatural. He’s paid in nearly two centuries at the mercy of Lucifer and Michael’s wrath, in pain and tears and the agony of loss. The torment of loneliness. He’s paid his dues by eradicating as much evil as it is possible to do and he keeps going. But nothing will ever wash out that darkness entwined around his soul, the black-as-tar demon blood running through his veins. Every atonement washes at that taint infinitesimally, battles that shadow, but it’s a lightning bug in the region of space; too small and ineffective to cleanse anything significant. The scales are balanced against his favor and Sam doesn’t think he can go back to Hell, he’s too afraid of being sent back to the Cage.


End file.
